Realization
by AA Battery
Summary: S3 Spoilers- After the finale, Kate comes to arealization.


Hello, I recently finally got around to finishing season 3 and inspiration has struck- I'm not gonna lie I was a little disapointed with season 3 and so some of these one shots that will be arriving over the next few weeks are my attempt to... well, not "fix" season 3- but make sense of it. I'm on a little bit a quest, you might say.

This one deals with Kate and Robin's relationship- it occurs after the S3 finale, so spoilers if you haven't seen that!

Hope you enjoy it!

Realization

There were so many signs, looking back, but it was only studying the way people acted around her that she discovered it. And then when she did, she didn't understand how it had taken her five weeks.

Her first clue was Much. Or, more specifically, how people acted around Much. It was the way that when villagers heard, their eyes flashed to the servant first. He was always getting warm hugs and offers of food from the women, serious, grim, meaningful handshakes and nods of understanding from the men. People watched Much. Even Tuck and Little John in the woods. Hell, even Archer, who didn't know the first thing about any of them. But Much was supervised- they made sure he ate and slept and washed- they noticed when he disappeared to Robin's grave and shot worried looks across the camp until he returned.

It wasn't that she was jealous of the attention Much was receiving- she wasn't! It was just… they had been in _love_ and no one seemed to even think about what she was going through. No one noticed when she skipped a few meals or walked alone in the woods. She knew that she had known him for only a fraction of the time Much had- but… wasn't being in love stronger than the love of friendship? Shouldn't someone have cared for her after he died?

But at the time, she had pushed back niggling doubts and told herself that no one understood how close they were and it was good Much was getting all the attention because all that hovering would have just annoyed her anyway.

Her next clue was Stephen, an ordinary villager of Locksley. Three weeks after Robin had died, they were passing out food and this young man had come up and starting talking. She hadn't quite known what was happening at first and then suddenly she was being invited over for dinner and with a jerk she realized that he had been talking only to her and leaning in and _flirting_! With her!

"Robin and I were _together_," she snapped, hands jerking as she refrained from slapping him. "And he's dead not a month and you… you!" Anger had cut her off, anger at his stupid flirting and even more anger at the shock that covered his face.

"Sorry!" he croaked. "I didn't think- he and-" He cut off so abruptly he almost squeaked. By then she was in such a rage, she didn't even bother thinking about what he had been going to say, simply whipped around and stalked away. Men! Never thinking about anything except what they wanted! No common decency! Pigs!

She had snarled to herself for the rest of the night, earning some looks of confusion by the male-ridden camp before finally falling asleep. And then she just refused to think about it. Because she knew what they had had- even if apparently the rest of England didn't.

The final, most hurtful clue came from Much and John. They didn't know it and maybe it was her fault but… Every once and a while, after Robin's death, Much and John went out alone. From the smell of them the next morning, getting drunk and talking. It was only them and she always thought it was rather snoody of them to not invite anyone else. So what if they were the only two from the fabled "original" gang? It was still rude and even if Tuck and Archer appeared to take no offense and even encouraged John to take Much out… it was still rude!

She'd heard them while she was walking late one night- off in the distance, crashing around- they were going to bring the whole guard on them!- and she had walked over, well snuck over- just to see what it was they talked about.

"Oh- you should've _seen_ her when we got back," Much was saying, laughing and plopping down next to where John had fallen- the source of the initial crash she heard. "Eyes blazing, bow draw, all cold and proper! And of course, there's Robin, smirking- not a care in the world aside from the fact that she was still unmarried! Didn't even care the sheriff was treating us as if we were lepers!"

It only took a moment to realize what- _who_ they were talking about and her heart seemed to freeze in her chest. Frantically she tried to leave- a part of her knowing that this would only end badly for her. But… she couldn't leave. They were talking about the man she loved. She couldn't just leave. Even though every ounce of self-preservation in her was screaming at her to run.

"She was a stubborn one," John agreed, deep voice a rumble of amusement. "Didn't think we were going to make it out alive when she joined the gang."

"Marian taking orders… we're lucky _she_ didn't poison Robin!" Her mouth opened in shock- Robin's death was _never_ mentioned in the camp, _least_ of all around Much! You couldn't joke about that! Much _joking_ about Robin's death… it didn't…! But it didn't even warrant a pause here.

"She sucked it up in the end," John said agreeably- then barked a laugh. "For a week at least."

"You know, I don't think Robin was even surprised when she showed up in the Holy Land. Couldn't see him, but I bet he just rolled his eyes and accepted it," Much continued, taking a swig out of a flask she just now noticed.

"Well she couldn't be left behind again!" John said, snorting a laugh. "Wouldn't stand for it- hotter than that Byzantian fire stuff, Marian was!"

"Only people I know to get married twice!" Much said and the laugh had faded to pure affection. "They were so happy."

"They _are_ so happy," John corrected.

"To Robin and Marian," Much announced, sticking up his flask.

"To Robin and Marian," John repeated solemnly and the two drank until they gasped for breath and then rolled laughing on the ground. Two friends remembering their leader.

And that's when Kate realized it. That's when it finally hit her. That's when she saw the truth. She walked until she was far enough away for them not to hear and then ran. Not back to the camp. Not to anything. Just ran.

But she couldn't run away from the truth. She couldn't run back in time to before she knew. She couldn't run from the past. She couldn't even get away from their final words. Robin and Marian. Robin and _Marian_. She didn't remember when she started crying but she finally collapsed, chest heaving with sobs. Oh God, Marian.

She had known about Marian. _Everyone_ knew about Marian. But not really. Everyone knew about the myth of Marian and in a way, that's what she had decided to believe. She had decided to believe that there was a Marian, but surely their love couldn't be _that _great. And… she was dead, right? And no one spoke of her and Robin never mentioned her and so if he sometimes sat and stared into the fire, eyes full of pain and longing- that could have been about anything. Anything.

She dug her fists into her eyes and cursed herself. She had seen only what she wanted to see, like some idiot, young _twit_! There were hundreds of clues- thousands! The way she always had to initiate anything, or look so hurt that he really didn't have a choice; the way _anything_ could distract him- the slightest problem around camp would pull him away from her and she had always told herself it was just him being a good leader! God, he had _told_ her- told her!

_"Tell me you need me more than them!" _

_Silence._

Why hadn't she seen then? Too busy wrapped up in jealousy over Isabella to hear what his silence screamed. Isabella! She did laugh then- a hoarse, broken sound. She had been worried about Isabella! Resentful of a cruel sheriff that stood against everything he believed. How could she have ever been jealous over Isabella when really she was fighting a dead woman all along. Isabella!

_Marian. Robin and Marian._ That's how Robin would be remembered. By Much and John, by the villagers, by stinking Stephen of Locksley. No wonder he had no problem flirting with her! And why would people be worried about her? Much was the one who shared the _real_ connection with Robin.

Oh God, even Much's look of pity made sense now. When she first told him that she liked Robin- and that he liked her too!- there was the quickest flash of sorrow that she had thought was regret for himself and promptly ignored. It wasn't for himself. It was for her. He knew. He had to have known. _Everyone_ had known.

She tried to be mad at Robin, tried to call up anger at him for playing her, for making her to look like a fool! But she knew that was her own doing. He had kissed her, yes, but he had never made promises and she had read into it what she wanted to see. And she couldn't blame him- couldn't because she still loved him.

So she sat and cried, not for the death of the man she loved, but for the death of an illusion, for the death of a wish.

* * *

It was three days before she had the courage and she wasn't sure why this was necessary but she knew it was. She knew she couldn't move on until she had some sort of… closure and Robin was dead and this was the only way she knew how to get it.

She waited until they were alone, obviously. Until everyone else was out hunting for information or food. She spent five minutes trying to think of how to start the conversation she needed to have and just the thought of it was making her face flush and eyes water so she did the whole thing she could think of and just spit it out:

"He didn't love me, did he?"

Much froze in the middle of hanging water to boil, but didn't say anything. She waited and finally he turned to face her, face set as if heading into battle. Then he bit his lip and shifted nervously. Maybe not battle. But his eyes still said he was ready for something. She just didn't know what.

"Kate, he-"

"Don't lie to me," she said, trying to sound calm while blinking furiously and hating that her voice caught a little. She took a breath. "Just… just tell me the truth, Much. I deserve to know."

"He loved you," Much said and she opened her mouth furiously to yell at him again but he stopped her with a wave of his hand and continued. "He loved you as much as he could, Kate."

The simple truth of that cut her like a knife but she forced her knees not to give out on her. Instead she nodded, as if understanding. But she didn't. God, she didn't. Much must've sensed that somehow because he took a breath and continued, staring glumly into the fire.

"Look, the truth is, Robin had an eye for every girl. He wouldn't deny that. In the Holy Land… I'm not saying what he did was right, it's not one of his better qualities, but… but that was Robin. He liked girls, and girls liked him. But there was only one girl he loved."

Much looked at her now, eyes and voice full of sympathy.

"Robin always loved Marian. After she died… he wasn't going to love anyone like that again. I didn't think he was ever going to try to again." Kate gave up on standing and sat down hard and Much came and sat next to her.

"But then you came along," he said quietly, barley heard over her quiet sobs. He reached out a hand and caught her chin, gently forcing her to look up. "He tried, Kate. I know he did. But… he was married to Marian, Kate. When she died, there wasn't enough left of him to love anyone else."

For a while they were quiet, her sobbing into his shoulder, Much simply sitting and supporting.

"I feel like such a fool," Kate finally muttered, sniffling.

"Don't," Much replied firmly. "Robin had that effect on everyone. And don't think he didn't like you, Kate. He did. As a friend. And that's probably why he tried. And he would never want to hurt you but…" Much sighed. "For someone so good at leading people, sometimes he doesn't understand them very well."

Kate nodded miserably and found that for some reason she felt better. Like an open wound that had to be burned shut, as painful as the conversation had been, it had helped. She gave Much one last squeeze and stood up, rearranging her skirt and wiping her face.

"I think I'm going to go for a walk." She said and Much nodded and graciously looked away.

"Much," she called and he looked back. "You… you don't think Robin was my... I mean…"

"No," he said firmly. "I don't."

Kate nodded and walked into the forest. She felt worn out and tired and… older. Her feet walked the path to Robin's grave and she sat down.

Young love, she had heard it called. Infatuation, first love, foolish love. She had never thought those words would apply to her feelings for Robin. Even now, she couldn't understand how someone would ever make her feel like he did- alive and warm and excited and… how could someone do to her what just being around Robin did?

"You didn't love me," she said and, though her eyes filled, she didn't let the tears fall.

"You didn't love me and I thought I loved you. But…" she hesitated and then forced the truth out. "But maybe I didn't."

The forest was quiet and still and she took a shuddering breath. She didn't believe it. Her wounded heart couldn't believe that it hadn't been real. But… there was that small niggling at the very back of her mind. A small feeling of doubt. She stood and wiped her face and straightened proudly. Then she slowly turned and walked away.

The urge to look back almost overwhelmed her but she held onto that glimmer of doubt, for it was also hope. Sighing with pain and loss, she whispered one last time:

"Maybe I didn't."

She didn't believe it. But maybe one day, she would.

End.

* * *

Hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you thought- reviews are always welcome!

Thanks!


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